Today was such a hard day and there is absolutely no reason why. Just some tiny reasons. Little kitten reasons in the grand scheme of things. But it ended with me face up across my bed sobbing to the heavens over my lot in life.
I’ve been looking to go back to work and it has been difficult, partly because I’m probably going to need a career shift and I can’t find the exact direction, and partly because my field is narrow anyways so there isn’t much out there. So I thought, maybe I’ll just be a yoga instructor, but that’s weird and I worked hard for my masters so I should use it. Plus you have to do like 2500 hours of yoga to get certified so it would be something like, “hey babe, I need to go to yoga all the time and pay for all the classes and BONUS pay for childcare too while making no money, but it’s like my inner calling. Live your truth and all.”
It’s not ideal.
So I’m job searching while sitting on my couch during Colette’s non-nap. As in she didn’t fall asleep, just talked and cried and banged the frame above her crib against the wall. This, more than anything else, gets me to the edge of my sanity. I don’t know why I care, she’s in her room and I’m not in her room so I should just make my peace. But it’s maddening. After I got her up and she ran outside towards her freedom, I literally squished a stuffed animal and said to it, “go to sleeeeeeep.” It was truly cathartic, if not a little extreme. Then from that very healthy place, I started looking for jobs.
This, mothering, it is a very hard thing even when you love them. Some people sail through it, others squish stuffed leapords and give them a stern talking to. I do not write to tie a bow, just to say, sometimes it’s all very hard even when it’s not actually that hard, but I think it’s ok to cry on the bed anyways.
Gotta go watch The Office and order Post Mates, which is First World speak for “self-care.”