How is this life what it is? I can’t handle the movement of it. I remember the minute before I walked down the aisle at my wedding and wanting so desperately to take the moment in and yet knowing full well that I just couldn’t. There was no way to fully understand, embrace and experience the change that was happening. I wanted to feel every little thing, the leaving of one chapter for another. I felt like I was straining to open my eyes really widely to stare intently at the turning of the page so that I realized it and was aware for every second of the turning.
But we can’t soak it in completely. The page turns at its own pace with a ticking movement and then once it's turned we can’t go back really, except to remember. We have to let go to move forward. And so it seems I’m moving into a new chapter and cannot for the life of me figure out how to soak in these last weeks. Trever and I have been married for almost nine years and it’s all we know. It sounds so silly but it’s blowing my mind that we’ll be a family of 3 in just a two weeks. TWO WEEKS! It has been just us, travelling when we wanted, late nights when we wanted, only the two of us to plan for, deep sleeping, young, married, a family of 2. People try and tell us the changes and feelings we’ll experience but no one can know them until they know them. This is for almost anything in life, no one can tell you what it’s like up ahead until you know. So I sit here with a blurry future certain of nothing but change, thrilled for what's ahead but slightly sad for what we're leaving behind.
I’m not the type to dwell in the past and I tend to like change, it’s just that I know how significant this is and I sort of wish I could slow it all down so I had time to process it. I want to etch it in stone the feelings of pregnancy, to encapsulate this season of life so that I remember every bit of it and be sure that I have felt the whole thing while it’s happening. I’m afraid to let it become a memory. I hope I loved every second of this decade of life, I hope I soaked it in while I had it.
But then who really cares, because I’ll get so see what her face looks like and if she has long fingers like me, or green eyes like Trever. This vacillation is where my mind can spend hours - toggling between thoughts of what will be different, what we’re letting go of and thoughts of what we’re stepping into, what we’ll become and who she’ll be. Of course in any new chapter I never wished to go back, so I know once I'm there I'll be nothing but thrilled. But today I just feel the intensity of the movement.
My sister Hayley texted me and asked me if I’m in the phase where I cry all the time. I wasn’t really but I’m suddenly very raw, I feel every single thing, like all my nerves are fired up on all cylinders. So I’m assuming the tears are around the corner. Tears over change, tears over excitement, tears over fear, tears because I’m hot and need a nap, tears because I’m turning 30, tears because going out to dinner will feel like a treat, but mostly tears because we cannot wait for this new person that will become, in an instant, an inseparable part of who we are.
P.S. I keep having irrational delivery fear in the middle of the night, although it's not because of what you would think. It's things like...people always say, 'pack your hospital bag'. What's a hospital bag? What do people bring? I don't have a bag? Why doesn't anyone tell you what's in the hospital bag? Are there secret mother things that should be in said bag? Should I set a bag out with chapstick and a hair tie? I don't know. If someone could enlighten me that would be great for my REM cycle.
P.S.S. Someone say a prayer for Trever for obvious reasons, most notably paragraph five in this post. Also, the father's day card I gave him read, "Let the great adventure begin." T minus 14 days until the adventure. Woah, let's do this.