I found out I wasn’t pregnant today. I had secretly been praying that I would miraculously be pregnant. We’re talking one in a billion chance. I’m not really a miracle believer but I think desperation can help us believe when we otherwise can’t, which I’m not sure is a tool of God’s or just wishful thinking. But there I was, barely believing in God yet somehow believing he might make an impossible outcome a reality. I can’t decide if it was foolish of me, or progress that I could possibly pray in that manner.
I cried when I wasn’t pregnant. I sort of expected emotions because I knew it would just be another reminder of the fact that we can’t, but I was also fighting any emotional response because of our infertility’s inescapable reality, there should be no surprises right? But there I was surprised by the inevitable, and why? Because I hoped. Is hope a survival mechanisms that the mind creates to help us survive our current circumstances, or is it based in some sort of reality that there is someone more powerful than the padlock chains of evil and pain? And further, if this great good power existed why should my prayer, out of all the other devoted prayers be the one that is heard? Rabbi Yehoshua said something like, we pray for miracles but we cannot count on them. I don't know what to do with that, praying in hope just to survive disappointment.
Some people have had such believing perspectives about our infertility. Claiming things like, “I believe in miracles and because we believe in a powerful God I know for sure He will give you a baby.” What does that say to my dear friends who were never healed of their infertility, what does that say to my unanswered prayers, what does that say to my ability to accept what is, what does that say of hope?
I cannot cling to outcomes as hope because there is a good chance they disappoint. So what can I cling to as hope? If not a miracle, there is still peace, a future family that will be beautiful no matter what it looks like, the gift of a kind husband, friends who pray and believe when my fragility won’t allow me to, gratitude for all that is good, and the very grace of God that gives us the hope of something beyond the pain of today. This way when circumstances turn out the way statistics tell us they will, our hope is not based on a once in a generation miracle that when unfulfilled brings disappointment and confusion, but instead on something that never fails, the grace and peace to survive until the greatest hope we ever risked our hearts for comes to pass - redemption, because isn’t that the greatest miracle of all?
And if in the meantime God heals such an unworthy person as me…I cannot say I could even begin to understand such gratitude.
*I wrote this blog a couple of months ago.