I started blogging about God and religion and now I’m scared out of my mind. I’m so afraid to have my work out there for anyone to read and judge. I’m used to talking to people, to explaining myself, to going back and forth and adjusting my speech to say exactly what I mean, or maybe a little less than what I mean. But I’ve been doing this thing where I’m honest, with myself and with others. I have taken off all the protective facades and allowed myself to look really deeply at what I believe and where I struggle in hopes of making real progress. Along the way I’ve brought people into this process and found that they have maybe felt similar, or learned something, or disagreed and taught me something, or mostly just made us think about truth. I keep going back and forth on the priorities, protect the reputation of bold undoubting belief, or be honest and rugged along the way. So I’m trying to do both, carefully putting it out there, not all of it but a lot of it, hoping that maybe it makes someone think, or feel less alone, or empathize with a different perspective.
I texted Trever relaying my sudden fear of vulnerability because I have a lot to learn from him in this regard, and I knew he would understand. He’s a fashion photographer who wears an animal print poncho in a beige suburban county and he has developed really thick skin to deal with everyone's opinions about his work. People razz him all the time and he keeps putting his work out there, he keeps throwing on his tie-dye and welcoming the unconventional. A couple of years ago he made a new years resolution to be more Trever and everything got 20% more eccentric. Although sometimes it’s annoying because I have to fake laugh at everyone’s completely original quips about him, the truth is I love it. I love that he is never who he’s not, that nothing is put on, he's never trying to be bizarre for the sake of it, or boring just to blend in. He’s just daring enough to be irregular, and I think it's kind of heroic.
So anyways, I texted him my maniacal freak-out when I posted my most recent entry because I knew that he, more than anyone, would relate to the feelings of vulnerability. He encouraged me in a lot of really weighty and profound ways, and then he said, “be the hot sauce in the bangers and mash.”
Weird advice from a weird guy. But I want it on a plaque in my house.