*This was written a few months back
I just turned off my phone, this is something I rarely do but I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by an outpouring of love from people around me. My inbox is full of questions about when we find out about IVF, check ins to see how I’m doing, notes of concern and prayer, all the things that community provides. I’m already terrible at responding to people in general and add the shear amount of responses I need to send and I just shut it down. This is a weird response, I understand that.
I have been having so much internal conflict over letting people into our fertility journey. We told people what was happening because we wanted our family and close friends to be in it with us and we know that it is important to have community in difficult times. But here’s the part that makes me weird, I am overwhelmed by the love. There are times when a good friend asks me a basic question and everything in me shrivels, I want to just turn around and run away from them, or even better be preemptive about it and wear a sign that says don’t talk to me about infertility today. The reason I know it’s not the specific person is that sometimes one person asks me and I want to scream and a couple of days later that person is the one I open up to. This means the problem lies with me. Me and my maniacal self. I cannot articulate why is happens with certain people and at certain times, all I can do is smile and answer quickly and try to walk, instead of run, away.
Here are my theories. A. I feel confused about how I feel and so when people bring up what’s happening it makes me uncomfortable with all the things that don’t make sense right now. B. I am actually feeling very deeply and so I am constantly at the spilling point emotionally so others questions can make me spill over very easily and this bothers me. C. I’m trying to do emotions maintenance mostly to avoid hoping and being disappointed, so when people talk to me they are exposing the lie I am telling myself that I am fine. D. Other people’s feelings about my situation are a lot for me right now, so when people have empathy it feels like an invasion. E. I’m a private person. F. I’m a bitch.
I think I do a pretty good job covering up for the fact that one out of every ten times I talk to someone about infertility I want to ask them to please stop talking now, but you’ll have to ask my friends if that’s true. It’s hard to be a good friend to someone on an emotional roller coaster and my friends have been really amazing to me. When I was on bed rest we had friends and family come over for dinner with food in hand and a lot of happy, making being stuck at home just fine. My mom spent the afternoon hanging out, cleaning my house and cooking for me. Our small group brought us food and is always checking in on us and praying of us. My sisters have been so caring and deeply concerned.
I’m grateful for all of it and I know that I am so unbelievably lucky to have such amazing people around me and that without them I would be in a much darker place. Sometimes though, I need to turn off my phone and I really have no idea why.