Well the first test was negative. I’m gonna go watch the OC for the next couple of days, buy a new pair of shoes and maybe get a tiny bit drunk. See you on the other side.
I’ve come out of my cave of mourning which did involve a lot of the O.C. as predicted. I actually took it all pretty well. I took a pregnancy test on Thursday and it was negative, then I took another one on Friday, still negative. So by the time Saturday rolled around and they did the blood test I was already fairly certain that I wasn’t pregnant. I had planned on heading to the beach after the appointment because Trever was out of town for the weekend and I needed to be in a happy place.
One of my favorite things about the beach is that no matter how many people there are, the waves usually overpower their noise so it always feels weirdly private. I was laying on my towel raptured in a book when my phone buzzed that an email came through. It confirmed negative results and I cried for about a minute. I sent a quick email to family and friends updating them on the results and I turned off my phone and stared at the beach, thoughtless. Then I started reading again, went home, had drinks with a friend, did yoga the next day, made mango sticky rice with coconut milk and went to supper club. It was all normal, and I feel mostly upbeat.
I am thoughtless though, that is sort of how I’ve been all weekend. I had accepted what happened pretty quickly but seemed to have this humming noise of sadness expressed in lethargy and it’s still haunting me. I hardly think about this unsuccessful round of pregnancy and I assume it’s because I have a high tolerance for pain right now. When we found out about our cause of infertility back in November, we were fairly certain we would never have our own children that was real grief, so this is just going through the hassle of maybe making it happen, I can do that. Sometimes though I realize I’m a bit sad in very inopportune moments. I saw the owners of my yoga studio for my first class post IVF and I told them I could move again and I almost broke down in the lobby. My friend Natalie came over to ask me how I was and I was hard as a rock, no feels. Trever and I were discussing next steps and I teared up in the lobby of Gulf Stream before our anniversary dinner.
I don’t know what the hell is going on. I’m fine. No I’m not. I’m just going go take a nap because sleep solves all of life’s greatest problems.